Parent’s Conflict that has a Negative Impact on the Children
Neil S. Grossman, Ph.D.

The following are things children have told me where one or both of their divorced parents created problems for them.

• Ask child to carry messages.
• Ask child to carry hostile messages.
• Ask intrusive questions about other parent.
• Create a need in child to hide information.
• Create a need to conceal feelings about the other parent.
• Ask child to spy on other parents.
• Parent behaving verbally or physically aggressive or having poor impulse control.
• "Don’t talk" to other parent.
• Act disrespectful to other parent.
• Interfere with other parent’s discipline.
• "Bad mouth" other parent.
• Tell child how difficult it will be for you if he/she does not live with you.
• Parents don’t communicate and ask child to get information.
• Seek favor of child so he/she will be on your side.
• Fight in front of child.
• Mention child’s name during an argument, in presence of child.
• When child complains about other parent, remind child that they have the power to choose whom to live with.
• Discuss good and bad traits/behavior of other parents with child.
• Make it difficult for other parent.
• Tell child about the trial.
• Don’t let other parent know when you will leave with child or return child.
• In presence of child or to the child, blame the other parent for the child’s problems.
• Play on child’s sense of responsibility for the parent’s problems.
• Play on child’s insecurity about losing the parent.
• Tell the child about the other parent’s accusation in the court papers.
• Verify with the child the other parent’s accusations in the court papers.
• Display unmodulated affect or anxiety in front of the child.
• Blame or accuse child or acting like the other parent.
• Blame or accuse child of liking the other parent more.
• Give special attention to the child to get him/her on your side.
• Tell child about the couple’s conflict.
• Call the other parent names in front of the child.
• Threaten to reject the child, e.g., "If you don’t behave I’ll send you to live with ________(other parent)."
• Ask child’s opinion of the other parent.
• Complain about the other parent’s inadequacies to the child.
• Tell the child you don’t have money to buy him/her something because of the other parent.
• Insist the child take your side.
• Blame the child for taking the other parent’s side.
• When the child misbehaves say, "Your just like your _______(other parent)."